Hello, Book Nerds! Welcome back to Reading Has Ruined My Life or welcome if you are new. As always, my name is Hannah and I am your captain on this journey into my bookcases.
Happy Halloween Eve!
Tis time! The best day of the year is almost here and that means it’s time for another Halloween Death Match! We are returning to the world of Gothic Literature to find out who would win in a fight to the death: The Phantom of the Opera or Lestat de Lioncourt.
Please give a warm welcome back to my friends Amanda, Katie, and Frankie. You know them, you love them, I love them, and it’s time for a wacky conversation about two fictional characters to find out who will triumph. A mad musical genius or a sociopathic vampire.
Like always, my friends have been provided a handy-dandy list of strengths and weaknesses both characters possess. Everyone knows this is a death match. Everyone’s prepared. Everyone’s ready. My friends know who will win between these two Gothic Literature behemoths.
The rules are simple. Our two characters are in a Battle Royale style fight. Around the colosseum, yeah we’ve rented out the colosseum again this year, are a few small, helpful objects that may aid our two competitors. The items could also be a hinderance; who knows. Fans of both fighters have spent good money to come watch this battle. Two famous horror characters enter, only one may exit. This is the fight to the death. Each competitor has strengths and weaknesses that can help or hurt them in this competition. But who will win? Well…you’re about to find out!
Hannah: Welcome to the 2024 Halloween Death Match. We are here today to learn who the strongest Gothic Literature character is: The Phantom of the Opera or Lestat de Lioncourt.
Amanda: Who plays Lestat currently?
Hannah: Sam Reid.
Amanda: Yeah, he’s sexy. I’m going Lestat all the way baby!
Hannah: Why, Amanda?
Amanda: Super strength, that’s pretty dope, also he was tortured before he became a vampire so he can take a lot of shit. He’s been through a lot of stuff. He’s got super speed, flight, rapid healing–that’s a dope one–he can just fucking heal himself so that’s cool, he can hear the thoughts of others so he’ll be able to hear the Phantom and what he’s [the Phantom] is thinking of doing to him [Lestat]. I could go on.
Frankie: I have a question about Lestat.
Hannah: I hopefully have an answer.
Frankie: I have not read this book–
Amanda: Goddammit, Frankie, read a book. He hasn’t read Tom Sawyer yet like he said he would.
Frankie: I’ve read The Phantom of the Opera.
Katie: I haven’t read either of these books.
Frankie: With his thought reading powers, is it more of he has to focus in on the person he wants to listen in on or is this a constant thing?
Hannah: If I’m not incorrect he does have to focus on the person he wants to listen to.
Frankie: Great, thank you, that answers my question.
Amanda: So all Lestat has to do is focus on the Phantom.
Hannah: Are you also on Team Lestat, Frankie?
Frankie: I’m on Team Lestat.
Katie: I think we have an issue then cause I’m also on Team Lestat. I’m sorry, but he’s a supernatural vampire and the Phantom is just a drama queen.
Frankie: Phantom’s just a theatre kid.
*All laugh*
Amanda: Looks like Hannah has to play. It’s Hannah versus Us.
Hannah: Ok, when I picked these two, I had the thought that Lestat could basically become Christine.
Amanda: Ooohh.
Frankie: Wait, is he gonna transform or something?
Hannah: No, basically Lestat takes the place of Christine in the Phantom’s eyes, and if there’s one thing Lestat loves it is attention. He’s a narcissist so I think he’d be kinda into it.
Katie: So you’re shipping them. This is a ship now. This is a crack ship.
Amanda: It is!
Katie: Crack ship!!
*At this point there is laughter for a good five minutes*
Amanda: Ok, if we’re really think about this, Lestat does have some weaknesses. He can’t drink dead man’s blood. And the Phantom is very conniving, there is definitely some way he could make Lestat drink dead man’s blood. And the Phantom has killed a plethora of people, he could easily get his hands on some dead man’s blood. Lestat can also be severely injured if harmed enough, like being flung from a roof, so if we’re in the opera house Lestat can be flung from the chandelier.
Hannah: We’ve rented out the Colosseum again.
Amanda: Oh, well if he’s thrown from the top of the Colosseum that’s still got to hurt. (Pause) Lestat can be decapitated! I don’t think decapitation is the Phantom’s thing, but I wouldn’t put it past him.
Frankie: The Phantom’s thing is hanging people.
Katie: What time is this match taking place? If it’s sunny won’t Lestat immediately catch on fire?
Hannah: Sun will severely burn Lestat but it won’t kill him. As for when the fight takes place, I’ve always imagined them to begin at eight o’clock.
Frankie: Lucky Lestat.
Hannah: Yes, lucky Lestat. Very unfortunate for the Phantom.
Frankie: Here’s the thing, I think Amanda’s right in that the Phantom could do all of these things, but Lestat could just run away.
Amanda: Yeah…
Frankie: Or fly away out of reach.
The Peanut Gallery: I think the only way the Phantom could win is if Lestat didn’t know he was fighting the Phantom.
Amanda: I think that’s fair.
Hannah: Like we’ve told Lestat, “hey, you’re fighting Dracula.” And then the Phantom pops up behind him?
Amanda: No, we tell Lestat, “hey, there’s a couple of people in here who want to kill you, figure it out before it’s too late.”
Hannah: So we’re playing Clue!
Amanda: Or imagine a Hunger Games scenario where they team up and then the Phantom betrays him in the end.
Hannah: Ok, let’s change the rules. Let’s lie and say there are multiple people in this ring which causes Lestat and the Phantom to team up. What happens?
Amanda: I’m still Team Lestat.
Katie: I do think the Phantom will try to use Lestat’s narcissism against him. I feel he’ll try to get Lestat to spill his secrets or lose his temper.
Hannah: It’s quite easy to anger Lestat.
Katie: The Phantom is an assassin so he could figure out how to kill Lestat.
Amanda: Hannah, didn’t you say the competitors get a list of weaknesses?
Hannah: Yes, they get the strength and weakness list I send you guys.
Katie: He [the Phantom] has assassin skills. He could trap Lestat in a snare/noose, which obviously wouldn’t work, and assuming the Phantom doesn’t die right after, he could try to kill Lestat again but maybe this time with blades.
Hannah: Do you think the Phantom could lie his way out of this? He could be like, “I don’t know who set that trap.”
Amanda: I just want to say, it’s really funny imagining Lestat has been hung but it doesn’t do anything to him. He’s just dangling there.
Katie: He would be mad about it.
Amanda: He would be, he’d be swearing in French.
Hannah: Ok, so in this scenario, the Phantom and Lestat have “teamed up” to fight someone else in the arena. I don’t know who, we’ve just lied to Lestat and said there’s three or four people.
Amanda: Make it Dracula.
Hannah: Ok, we’ve lied and said we resurrected Dracula and he’s somewhere in the arena.
Amanda: Yeah, it’s vampire against vampire.
Hannah: And the Phantom is just in there.
Amanda: I think Dracula has a weird little assistant. He should have Igor or someone.
Hannah: Ok, we’ve resurrected Dracula, we’ve stolen Igor for the Universal Monster Films, and we’re telling Lestat that’s who he’s fighting. Now the Phantom has somehow teamed up with Lestat, is somehow keeping his thoughts in check, and has managed to hang Lestat while lying and claiming Dracula and Igor did that.
Amanda: I believe that’s what Katie has proposed, yes.
Hannah: That’s what has happened in the first thirty minutes of this match. What happens next?
Frankie: I have to build off this insanity!?
Hannah: Yes, this is canon lore!
Amanda: Do you want to make your own insanity, Frankie?
Frankie: I did have my own idea.
Katie: Let’s hear your original idea.
Frankie: This is a solo fight. I think they’re both manipulators, but the Phantom has a weakness in the mental armor that Lestat doesn’t have.
Amanda: His face!
Frankie: No, not his face. Listen, the weakness in his mental armor is that he gets obsessed with people, and he’s a big fan of music especially.
Hannah: Frankie, are you giving me my crack ship!?
Frankie: Well…I’m kinda giving you your crack ship. I’m giving you enemies to lovers to burial. I think that since Lestat is very good at music, he’s a singer, he’s a talented musician; you put those under his powers.
Hannah: It felt fitting given he was facing the Phantom.
Frankie: Lestat could get the Phantom to fall under his spell. He could get the Phantom to be obsessed with him because of his musical abilities, and then when he’s close enough, he’s gonna strike. I’m thinking a clean neck break.
Amanda: It depends on if the Phantom pisses him off. I think Lestat could be a lot more vicious.
Hannah: Lestat likes it bloody.
Frankie: Well the Phantom hasn’t pissed him off yet in my scenario. If he does piss him off then it’ll be bloodier. The issue I have with Lestat against the Phantom is that Anne Rice makes her vampires over powered.
Hannah: That’s fair.
Frankie: Yeah, Lestat is too OP.
Amanda: I think you’d need to take one of his powers away to make this a fairer fight.
Frankie: Especially the movement. It’s the movement that’s getting me. The Phantom doesn’t have any range.
Hannah: What if we say Lestat isn’t allowed to fly or run faster than a human?
Amanda: I’m still going with Lestat cause he’s sexy. But this does make it more fair.
Frankie: Here’s a question that I have then. We’ve rented out the Colosseum–
Hannah: Yes, we were able to rent it out again cause we’ve made so much money from this series.
Amanda: Did we rebuild it by the way?
Hannah: I don’t think we destroyed it last time.
Amanda: No, no, no, did we restore it to what it once was?
Hannah: Yes.
Frankie: Then my question is this, a lot of the Phantom’s advantages are that he lived in under the opera house.
Hannah: He ran around like a little sewer rat.
Frankie: Yes, that. And since he lives under the opera house and knows the layout, does he a blueprint of the Colosseum?
Hannah: We have allowed him free rein of the place.
Frankie: For how long?
Hannah: 48-hours.
Amanda: That’s good. That’s a good amount of time. And I imagine the Phantom has had time to add some trapdoors, some places for some sneak attacks.
Hannah: I don’t know what the Phantom has done to the Colosseum. We dropped him off and said, “have fun, we’ll see you in two days.” I’m a great TV producer in this universe.
Amanda: We gave him all of the builders he required, correct?
Hannah: I guess.
Frankie: If he has 48-hours then I think he has a better chance.
The Peanut Gallery: Then he starts thinking about his tricks and what he’s going to set off and Lestat avoids them cause he can read thoughts.
Katie: That’s true. Hannah, I’m sorry, but this is not the best match up.
Amanda: We can give the Phantom a tin foil hat, maybe that will stop Lestat’s powers.
Hannah: I don’t think that’ll work but that’s a good one.
Frankie: Maybe he’s like the Juggernaut and his mask stops people from reading his thoughts.
Hannah: I think we’ve come to the conclusion that one on one, Lestat is taking the crown in ten minutes.
Amanda: Maybe less.
Frankie: No, if we’re saying the Phantom has 48-hours to set things up then the match will last a little longer. But Lestat still wins.
Amanda: He’ll still win but I can imagine him getting more and more pissed off the more traps he gets put in. If he gets put in the hall of mirrors though he may get distracted by seeing himself in the mirrors.
Hannah: You ain’t wrong. (Pause) Can Anne Rice vampires see their reflection?
Amanda: Don’t do this to me.
Frankie: That’s a good point!
Katie: Yes, all of Anne Rice’s vampires can see themselves in mirrors, they reflect normally.
Hannah: Ok, thank you, Katie.
Katie: Don’t thank me, thank Google.
Amanda: Thank you, Google, the one true source.
Hannah: Let’s circle back to Katie’s idea of them teaming up. Last we left this story, Lestat was hanging.
Amanda: Very upset by the Phantom’s trap.
Hannah: But he doesn’t know it’s the Phantom yet.
Amanda: Right, but we know it’s the Phantom.
Hannah: Lestat is upset that he got caught. He’s probably swearing in French.
Amanda: It probably ruined his hair a little bit.
Hannah: What happens next?
Katie: He’s got super strength, he probably just breaks the rope. And he’s probably blaming Dracula.
Hannah: And what about the Phantom?
Katie: He’s staying out of it. He’s letting Lestat and Dracula fight till they wear each other out or kill each other. Phantom is waiting till this fight is over so he can then kill whoever is left.
Amanda: Yeah. Though I imagine Lestat can kick Dracula’s ass cause he [Lestat] can eat garlic and he doesn’t get locked in his coffin by placing a rose on it.
Hannah: So that fight is over fairly quickly, I assume. Igor isn’t much to get through either.
Frankie: Definitely.
Hannah: So we’ve killed the other team.
Amanda: Other team equals dead.
Hannah: We’ve just took away the only thing keeping the Phantom alive.
Amanda: This is where, if I was the Phantom, and I’m not sure if this is going to work or not, but I’d take a syringe with some of Igor’s blood that I would then eject into myself. Then I would offer Lestat a drink of my blood. I’d be all like, “Lestat, you look tired, come have a drink of my blood.” Then Lestat is chocking on dead man’s blood.
Frankie: That’s not going to fucking work.
Amanda: I am trying to give the Phantom a win here! Let me have this.
Katie: Then you should have picked him if you wanted him to win. Literally none of us want him to win.
Amanda: I don’t want the Phantom to win, I just feel bad that none of us want him to win.
Frankie: The Phantom should have super powers then.
Amanda: And I didn’t say he would succeed with his fake blood trick. Lestat gets sick, but that doesn’t mean he can’t break the Phantom in half while sick. If Mr. Incredible got sick I don’t imagine his super strength just goes away. I’m just saying the Phantom gets a little win with dead man’s blood before he gets his neck snapped.
Katie: So some damage to Lestat but ultimate win stills goes to Lestat.
Hannah: Alright, I hate to say it, but please give me your final verdicts, your final ideas as to how Lestat wins this thing.
Frankie: My final scenario. Lestat enters the arena–
Hannah: What’s his entrance song, Frankie?
Amanda: “Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake.
Hannah: That is beneath him!
Frankie: He needs it to be a gothic type song.
Amanda: “Maneater” by Nelly Furtado.
Hannah: It’s actually Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Phantom of the Opera theme.
Amanda: It’s “Music of the Night.” (Pause) It’s “The Beauty Underneath” from the really bad Phantom of the Opera sequel. (Pause) Oh, it could be “Lady Marmalade.”
Hannah: I could see that one.
Amanda: “Pony” by Ginuwine.
Frankie: That’s absurd. “Pony”? Nah.
Amanda: Yeah, it’s a sexy song and he’s a sexy guy! He could Channing Tatum that.
Hannah: Frankie, have you found your song yet?
Frankie: There is a song called “Ave Vampire” that this one wrestler named Judas Mesias came out to, and this song fucking slaps. (Pause ) So Lestat comes out to “Ave Vampire,” look it up, people, there is no one else in the arena. He’s got all the typical vampire powers. So heightened senses. He’s hears some noise coming from all around. Like different areas all at once. The Phantom has set up some traps. Lestat goes towards some of the noises where he gets caught in a trap. He’s able to break out. The Phantom has moved around now, as we said he had time to study the arena, Phantom has now laid another trap. Lestat keeps falling in these traps, they aren’t killing him, but they are making him angry. Eventually though, the trickery stops working. Lestat gets a sniff of where the Phantom actually is, and Lestat finds him. Lestat is conceited though, and he knows the Phantom isn’t a vampire, so he’s gonna toy with him a bit. The Phantom will get a few licks in, he’s an assassin, he can fight. But eventually the Phantom, and I’m going to read directly from your notes here, Hannah, “the Phantom is a sadistic little fuck.”
Hannah: He is!
Frankie: He’s gonna try to torture Lestat. But he pushes Lestat too far, and Lestat is going to start ripping him apart. He tears off the mask, and in the final moments of the Phantom’s life, Lestat is going to bully him about how ugly he is. He’ll take a big bite out of the throat, and the Phantom is now dead.
Amanda: Bloody!
Frankie: Yes, a very bloody battle.
Amanda: Love it.
Frankie: You do have to give the Phantom some props in the beginning. He uses his illusionist stuff, he uses his ventriloquist abilities to lead Lestat away from where he’s hiding, but Lestat has those heightened senses, strength, and speed to disable some of the traps. Plus he heals rapidly so he’s going to come out on top.
Hannah: Well, it’s an unanimous decision: Lestat de Lioncourt has won the 2024 Halloween Death Match.
Frankie: We need some Hall of Fame music, he’s inducted in the Death Match Hall of Fame.
Hannah: Andrew Lloyd Webber writes a musical about him.
Amanda: Please make it be a good one.
Katie: And Anne Rice sues you cause you wrote a blog post about her character.
Thank you for joining me and my friends for the 4th annual Halloween Death Match. I do hope you enjoyed your time here today. You never know what you’re going to get when you sign on for a Death Match. I had a wildly good time with this post and I hope you all did too. Once again, a huge thank you to my friends Amanda, Katie, and Frankie for helping me with this post. Please give them some love cause without them these Death Matches wouldn’t exist.
Speaking of Amanda and Frankie, they are my costars! The three of us host everyone’s favorite podcast Nothing to See Hear. You can listen to our show over on Spotify and YouTube. We talk Scooby-Doo, Disney, cryptids, ghosties, bad 90s wrestling, and gay vampires. We have the best time over there so go check it out.
With that, I must bid you all adieu. I shall see you next week with a new review.
Until then, stay safe, wash your hands, and read some good books for me.
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