Happy Halloween, Book Nerds!
The best day of the year is upon us! And to celebrate, I have perhaps the best thing I have ever created for Reading Has Ruined My Life today.
Seriously, I had so much fun setting this up, doing the research for this was a blast, and what you’re soon going to read is probably one of the funniest conversations I’ve had in my entire life. What you are reading today is the answer to the age old question: who would win in a fight? Frankenstein’s Monster or Dracula?
Before I get to that answer, I must introduce you to some people who help make this post a reality. Please give a warm welcome to three of my dearest friends: Amanda Martella, Frankie Weber, and Katie Wessel. These three agreed to my wacky idea instantaneously; that’s some true love right there. Prior to the start of our conversation, I provided them with a handy-dandy list of the strengths and weaknesses of both creatures, and told them that these two gothic characters were in a fight to the death. Now, let’s get into it.
The rules of this fight are simple. Dracula and Frankenstein’s Monster are in a Battle Royale style fight. There are some small, useful objects around the arena that may be of help to these competitors. Spectators have paid good money to come watch this fight. Two famous gothic characters enter, only one may exit. This is the fight to the death. Each competitor has strengths and weaknesses that can help or hurt them in this competition. But who shall win? Well…you’re about to find out.
Hannah: Welcome to the cage match, the Battle Royale, to end all fights. It is the battle between Count Dracula and Frankenstein’s Monster. Who will win? The goal is simple: convince me who is stronger, who will be triumphant?
Katie: Well, first of all, Dracula has a lot of badass powers.
Hannah: He does, he’s been alive for so long that he’s had time to strengthen and perfect these powers. His powers do come from the Devil, so points for that I guess.
Katie: Guess that’s the best place to get them.
Amanda: What I don’t get is how does he turn into non-bio things like fog and mist. Like, excuse me!?
Katie: He’s undead, he’s supernatural, that shouldn’t matter.
Hannah: Should we break out an Ouija board and ask Bram Stoker what he thought about when he was writing Dracula?
Frankie: Absolutely, let’s do that.
Hannah: Okay, cool. Back to our battle now.
Amanda: I call bullshit on his defying gravity power. Can we ignore that? Cause it sounds stupid.
Katie: That’s canon lore though.
Amanda: No, it basically the same thing as becoming a bird and flying. Birds can defy gravity.
Katie: I think he can just hover. I don’t think he’s full on flying in his human form.
Amanda: So he’s not being the Wicked Witch of the West and flying around on a broom stick?
Hannah: No.
Frankie: You know how Iron Man can do his little flutter? It’s like that.
Hannah: Like, if you charge at him and try to push him off a cliff, it won’t work because he can hover there and not fall. Does that explain it?
Amanda: Ok, fair.
Frankie: My big thing about Dracula is how weak he is. I’m just gonna put my stance out there, I think Frankenstein’s Monster is gonna whoop his ass.
Katie: Wow.
Hannah: Ok.
Frankie: This boy [Dracula] can get beat by a fucking rose! All you have to do is put the rose on his coffin and he can’t get out.
Katie: He’s a romantic at heart!
Frankie: He also doesn’t like the ancient, favorite fucking ingredient of all time, garlic?! Get out of here! He’s disgusting! You can run him out of town with a good lasagna.
Hannah: While we’re talking about his weaknesses, it’s very important to note that in the original novel, sunlight does not kill him. He is weakened during the day because he basically feeds off of the darkness. He can still move around and do stuff during the day, but he’s weakened.
Frankie: Ok, that brings up my next point. Even if this match takes place during an even split, twelve hours of daylight and twelve hours of darkness, twelve hours out of the day he’s weakened.
Hannah: Correct.
Frankie: Well, Frankenstein’s Monster has his powers all the time. He won’t be easily defeated by a spice or the sun.
Katie: Yeah, well, Frankenstein’s Monster is gonna be too obsessed with his Daddy Issues to do anything. All Dracula has to do is bring those up.
Frankie: But all that’s gonna do is make the Monster rage and go harder.
Katie: But he’s [Frankenstein’s Monster] not gonna be concentrating on the battle.
Amanda: Rage could be a good thing. Maybe he [Frankenstein’s Monster] is like Bane and just rams into things or people.
Frankie: I have a question about the Monster now. Does he have blood going through him?
Hannah: I wish I had a definite answer because there is never an explanation in the novel of if there is technically blood in him.
Frankie: So my thing is then, Dracula will slowly get weaker throughout the fight. He needs blood to survive and there doesn’t seem to be any blood for him to drink. And Frankenstein’s Monster has incredible stats. I think he’d make it. I think he’d last longer. It would be a war of nutrition.
Hannah: Okay, so we have Frankie clearly on the side of Frankenstein’s Monster.
Katie: But Dracula’s powers are better. Like, Frankenstein’s Monster comes at him to choke him out or something and Dracula just turns into mist. You can’t choke out mist! Whatcha gonna do?
Frankie: Here’s the thing, Frankenstein’s Monster is way smarter than Dracula. He’d come up with a better plan than that. Dracula? It took him centuries to learn everything he did. Frankenstein’s Monster read like one book and became the smartest thing on Earth.
Hannah: I’d just like to remind everyone that that book was Paradise Lost.
Katie: Where Satan is a sexy bad boy. With Daddy Issues.
Amanda: There’s a K-pop song called “Paradise Lost.”
Hannah: Amanda! Keep K-pop out of this!
Amanda: No, never! How dare you!
Hannah: Ok, so currently, it’s Katie on the side of Dracula, and Frankie is on the side of Frankenstein’s Monster. Right now there is an even split.
Katie: I want to say again that Dracula has a lot of powers.
Frankie: Okay, how’s he killing the Monster? Half the time Dracula’s powers are weakened.
Katie: Yeah, but I think Dracula went into this with a full tank of blood to eat. As long as he doesn’t go crazy with it, he’s fine.
Frankie: How’s he killing the Monster?
Katie: Fire.
Frankie: Where is he getting the fire!?
Katie: I don’t know, he’ll figure it out. He did his research before he came to fight.
Frankie: My boy can just run away though. He can run 200-miles per hour! What’s Dracula running at?
Katie: Teleporting apparently.
Frankie: He can’t teleport that fast, my dude is like the Flash.
Katie: He’s not the Flash.
Frankie: He’s running at 200-miles an hour! What are you talking about!? Have you ever gone that fast in your life.
Katie: The Flash broke the sound barrier. What’s faster than that? Frankenstein’s Monster ain’t running that, he’s just a racecar.
Frankie: That’s still pretty fast. You wanna get hit be a racecar going 200-miles an hour?
Katie: No, but if I was Dracula I’d just turn into mist and avoid it.
Frankie: He wouldn’t see it coming.
Katie: Yes he would! It’s not the speed of sound! It’s not the speed of light! 200-miles an hour is still perceivable!
Frankie: It would be hard to see!
Katie: Also, Dracula can create illusions. All he has to do is create Victor Frankenstein for the Monster to bull charge into a wall and get knocked out. Boom! Got him!
Frankie: The Monster can crush a house.
Katie: So can Dracula!
Frankie: Can he? He has the strength of twenty men; that’s not that many men.
Katie: That’s a lot of men!
Hannah: But we don’t know what kind of of men. It could be like twenty Hemsworth brothers. Or it could be twenty Frankie’s.
Frankie: Yeah, that’s zero strength.
Katie: Um, when my parents were getting the house demoed, there were only five men.
Frankie: Yeah, but they had tools. Did they demo your house with their fists?
Katie: Well, my brother did fall through the floor.
Hannah: May I present a scenario that I imagine happening during this fight?
Frankie: They both just run away?
Hannah: I’m sure that happens a lot during this fight, but no, not that. Since our boy Dracula has illusionary powers, what if he makes an illusion of Victor Frankenstein in front of the Monster; what happens? Victor is arguably the Monster’s biggest weakness.
Frankie: Can the Monster touch the illusion?
Katie: I think he can touch it.
Hannah: I think if he touched it, it would be like mist and his hand would go through it.
Amanda: So he can’t touch it.
Katie: But while he’s is distracted, Dracula can hypnotize him.
Frankie: But he’d have to suck his blood.
Hannah: Right. Frankie makes the point that I wanted to see if you guys would catch. Dracula, to hypnotize and mind control someone, needs to bite the victim. We don’t know if the Monster has blood. And even if there is, Dracula needs fresh blood to survive. What happens when a dead person's blood enters his system?
Amanda: Dead man’s blood.
Frankie: This isn’t Supernatural, Amanda.
Amanda: But you know what I’m talking about. I know you’ve watched it.
Frankie: Yes, ok. In that show, dead man’s blood essentially poisons a vampire. But that’s not part of the Dracula lore created by Old Man Stoker.
Katie: I could get behind that though. I could get behind dead people blood being poison to a vampire. It would be like eating rotten food.
Hannah: I’m looking towards another famous vampire novel: Interview With a Vampire by Anne Rice. If a vampire drinks blood from a deceased person, they aren’t happy and get sick.
Frankie: Oooooh, so Dracula couldn’t even drink my boy’s blood.
Hannah: If he has blood. We don’t know how exactly he was made.
Frankie: There is either nothing to drink, or if Dracula does drink from him it won’t be pretty.
Hannah: Either way, Dracula would not be able to use hypnosis and mind control on Frankenstein’s Monster. That’s a pretty important limitation, and I wanted to see if you guys picked up on that.
Frankie: I think Dracula’s animal control power is useless too. Frankenstein’s Monster is one ugly son of a bitch, and he’s scaring everything away.
Katie: But rats would probably think the Monster is a good snack.
Frankie: He’s pretty ugly though.
Katie: Rats eat dead things.
Amanda: But it would be rotten.
Hannah: They don’t care, they’re rats. They’ll eat living people if given the chance.
Katie: I can get maybe dogs running away from the Monster, but not a rat. What about a cricket?
Hannah: What do you mean?
Katie: Does Dracula have control of a cricket? Those things are annoying, maybe it would annoy the hell out of Frankenstein’s Monster cause he has a short temper.
Amanda: So..so then Dracula would win?
Hannah: Because then Frankenstein’s Monster would be too busy going after a cricket?
Katie: Exactly.
Frankie: He wouldn’t go after a cricket.
Katie: He burnt a whole house down because some people yelled at him!
Frankie: Yeah, so he’d just rip Dracula’s head off.
Katie: No! He’d be too distracted by the cricket! Or the illusion of Victor Frankenstein!
Hannah: Amanda, what do you have to say? Whose side are you on? Katie and Frankie have a clear side they’re on. The goal is to convince me one way or the other so what do you have to add?
Amanda: Here’s the thing. They both sound impossible. I was telling Frankie this beforehand. I don’t believe vampires are real because I’ve tasted my own blood and that shit’s nasty. I also don’t believe reanimating the dead is logical. From a logical standpoint, I can’t say either way.
Hannah: Amanda, this is an illogical world where both these characters exist and have agreed to fight for our own entertainment. You can’t give me logic in this situation!
Amanda: Let me finish! I have to go to all the illogical stuff. Now, Dracula has a lot of powers. But with those powers comes a lot of weaknesses. Frankenstein’s Monster doesn’t really have that many weaknesses. You said one of his weaknesses is human kindness. Well, we can just eliminate that. Blind rage towards Victor Frankenstein? That rage could help the Monster fight better. And fire can destroy him, but what’s Dracula gonna do? How does Dracula obtain fire? Does he bring matches with him.
Hannah: I had imagined there were a few useful objects strewn throughout the arena that they could both use. Maybe some wild garlic. Maybe some wood and stone to make a fire.
Amanda: I think I have to agree with Frankie.
Hannah: May I ask you something?
Amanda: Go ahead.
Hannah: For human kindness, you eliminated it quickly because you think that since this battle is only between the two of them that they’ll just fight the entire time? Dracula has lived for centuries, he’s an intelligent man who has lived and survived for a long period of time. You don’t think he can show kindness to Frankenstein’s Monster? Or trick him into thinking they’re friends?
Katie: Dracula could be like: “hey, we’re both undead monsters, we should be bros.” And then when the Monster is distracted, Dracula can kill him.
Amanda: But if the Monster is so intelligent he would be able to tell that Dracula is fucking with him.
Frankie: I’d like to build off Amanda’s point, Frankenstein’s Monster is probably the smarter person…ever!
Katie: There’s a difference between knowledge and emotional intelligence. Frankenstein’s Monster was so desperate for that blind guy to hang out with him. Then that dude’s family caught him and freaked out, and attacked him because the Monster was too stupid to leave before they came back.
Frankie: Frankenstein’s Monster doesn’t trust humans, that’s part of the reason.
Katie: Dracula isn’t human.
Frankie: So why would he trust Dracula?
Katie: Because they’re the same. They have some shared experiences.
Frankie: Could Dracula even hide his disdain for how ugly the Monster is?
Katie: Yeah, probably. He’s been around for a long time. He’s a master manipulator.
Frankie: To be honest, Dracula could probably trick me into getting into his castle with him.
Katie: So he could trick another monster into being friends with him.
Frankie: Yeah, but I’m stupid. Frankenstein’s Monster is the smartest dude on Earth. Plus, I just like big houses.
Katie: All Frankenstein’s Monster wants is love. All Dracula has to say is, “we can be bros. I’ll help you kill Victor Frankenstein, and we’ll be friends”
Frankie: I don’t think he would trust Dracula. The Monster can go along with that then pull out some garlic and Dracula is gonna cower in fear.
Katie: Wait, remind me. Do these two know that they’re fighting? Or did they just get zapped into an arena?
Hannah: No, they know they’re fighting. So this wouldn’t work.
Frankie: Katie, your whole strategy is out the window.
Katie: God damnit.
Hannah: It was a good strategy. I thought of it too.
Amanda: You had this whole thing planned out, Katie, and then Hannah had to come in and ruin it for you. Score one for me and Frankie then.
Hannah: Ok, Amanda is fully on Team Frankenstein’s Monster. Good to know. So now that I know where everyone stands, I want each of you to tell me the strategy/way in which your pick defeats the other and wins this thing. Katie, since I just full on ruined your plan, I’ll let you go last since you may need some more time to think now.
Katie: Well, I only have one other plan.
Hannah: Ok, what is Dracula’s winning strategy.
Katie: He would create an illusion of Victor Frankenstein in order to piss off and distract the Monster. After that, Dracula would turn into mist and sneak up behind the Monster and rip his head and arms off.
Hannah: Ok. Frankie, you’re up next.
Frankie: Awesome, I will now tell you how my boy wins. This big, beefy boy is gonna be roaming around and picking up basically everything he comes across. He’s plucking garlic, he’s grabbing crosses, picking some roses. He’s ready to fight. As Dracula approaches him, Dracula will be repulsed by the scent of the garlic my boy has on him. In that hesitation, it’s time to strike. He’s running a short distance, but at his top speed of 200-miles per hour. He runs right at Dracula and knocks him out. Young Looking Old Man Dracula is down, and because he’s down, he’s not putting up a fight. My boy just rips him apart. Takes out the heart. Deeds done.
Hannah: Nice and simple; I like that. Under five minutes of action so not good for the people who paid to watch this fight.
Amanda: Katie, how does it feel to have your pick destroyed?
Frankie: How does it feel to watch this cookie crumble?
Katie: Listen, I’m not one of his brides. I’m not gonna cry over him.
Hannah: Time for Amanda’s plan.
Amanda: Alright, alright. First of all, I’m guessing there is a stake laying around, right?
Hannah: Right, or at least something you can make into a stake.
Amanda: Honestly, I was thinking Frankenstein’s Monster could just throw a stake at Dracula, but that doesn’t make much sense. So, just like Bane from Batman, Frankenstein’s Monster is just gonna body slam Dracula. Dracula is knocked off guard, the Monster drives a stake through Dracula’s heart, and everyone goes home happy; expect for Katie.
Hannah: Okay, can we get a drum roll please? I have made my decision.
Hannah: I have come to the conclusion, out of these two gothic horror monsters, these icons of the genre, these Romantic era heroes, that Frankenstein’s Monster is the winner!
Frankie: Hell yeah!
Hannah: How I’m picturing this to happen is that after two days of chilling, chatting, doing nothing, and somehow becoming boyfriends whilst wasting all the viewers’ time, I’m picturing that Dracula is a little shit and makes an illusion of Victor Frankenstein. But before he can rip off the Monster’s head, the Monster lays eyes on our bisexual icon Dracula. And just rages. And rages. Dracula’s head is ripped off, his arms are ripped off, he’s basically torn from limb to limb, and then the Monster burns it all to the ground; spectators and all.
Katie: All while waxing poetry about his Daddy Issues because Victor Frankenstein is still somehow responsible for all of this.
Hannah: Correct. The End.
This is my favorite thing I’ve ever written for RHRML. This was such a fun conversation. I wish I had a better recording because I would have posted the full thing. The whole thing was wild. The above is just a small snippet of what transpired. You missed out on all of the Bane references Amanda made, our random tangents about other superheroes and Supernatural, and our chats about Rami Malek, Brendan Fraser, Casey Anthony, where both gothic characters stand in the LGBTQIA+ community, and so much more. The whole thing was a wildly good time.
Once again, a huge thank you to Amanda, Katie, and Frankie for helping me out with this post. Please give them some love cause they really made this post. Amanda and Katie didn’t want their socials linked so give them some love on Reading Has Ruined My Life’s Twitter page: @RHRMLBlog. I’ll pass along all your messages. If you wanna give Frankie some love then you can check out his podcast, The PACRats, on YouTube, Spotify, and Twitch.
If you really liked this post, please give it a like and share it, because this is one of my favorites. If you really liked it, I have some good news for you. I plan on doing some more versus matches in the future. I already have some planned out which my friends have agreed to, so stayed tuned.
With that, Spooky Season comes to an end here at Reading Has Ruined My Life. I’m so sad to see it go. But at least we still have one last weekend to celebrate. Until next time, stay spooky, wash your hands, wear a mask, and read some good books for me.
